All my life I really wanted to feel ‘free’. Mostly free of being afraid. As a little kid I wanted to feel free of restrictions on expressing my real feelings — the exuberant, as well as the unhappy. I realised later that I was unhappy because of two major things: a) that I was terrified of ‘rejection’ and ‘disapproval’ and b) that I was “making stuff up” about what I thought that other people might be thinking about me !
With help and with education I found out that I deserved and Advance Degree in MSU (Makes Stuff Up). Wow! when I looked at how much I done to MSU it boggled my mind. I was encouraged by counsellors and my 12 Step Programs to go directly to people who were involved or present at the times I did it, to get more clarification of the FACTS and the real circumstances.
For instance, I checked with my sisters about why they did certain behaviours when I was little — that I thought showed that they didn’t like me and found out that it was part of a (unnecessarily in my opinion) complicated desire of my Mother that I should be kept ignorant of the fact that they were my half-sisters. Their Mother had died when they were very little and my Mother was not theirs. She forbade them to spend much time with me or to tell me the truth. It was extremely painful when I found out and only had sympathy for ‘those little girls’ — — — as I still call them — — even though they were 10 and 12 years older than I.
This all fitted in with the total lack of acceptance any pain or grief….. as my Mother was determined to not allow any pain, sadness or grief in our family because of her own ‘stuffing of her feelings’. I realised that her decision at 10 years of age, when her Father died, to NOT feel that pain again led to her shutting down most of her feelings. When I realised why she was the way she was about ‘feelings’, I felt compassion for her (not anger!) and prepared to live my life differently.
Now — I did have caring and experienced people guiding me. Over the years I learned how to a) get a hold of what I was actually ‘feeling’ and b) learn various ways to re-lease the energy into peaceful acceptance and move on. Heaps of this was really difficult at first — after years of stuffing, repressing, and denying my feelings. But, gradually, I have become much freer.
The latest really helpful material I am using for this — for myself and others — is the work of David Hawkins. His book “Letting Go” is firmly beside my bed. He has written many, many wonderful books and assisted thousands of people over many years, until his fairly recent passing on. I highly recommend the book and looking up his work online.
Learning how to face and cope with the fear of rejection!!
This was the ‘biggie’ for me — — without boring you, just accept the fact that for various reasons — — -MOSTLY that I had “Made Up” (MSU) — — — I had felt very ‘different’ and ‘left out’ — not ‘included’ — in many ways as a child and teenager. Therefore I had lived a great deal of my life seeking approval (of some sort!) and avoiding situations where I may be rejected.
I’d allowed myself to be conditioned to be a ‘good girl’ at home. However, when I was a ‘good girl’ at my primary school — it turned on me and I was accused of being a ‘goody-goody’ and rejected by many of the members of my class. I also had learned to spell very well and understand the language — so (foolishly) used to answer questions correctly in class. NOT a good thing for acceptance! More rejection — so I decided to ‘play it dumb’ and learned to keep my mouth shut and my hand down from answering questions the teacher might ask.
Then the teens! Fun and games with hormones, the boy/girl thing and emotions all over the place! My very first ‘boyfriend’ dumped me for another girl and I thought I must not be as pretty or attractive as other girls. (MSU) I developed the habit of ‘being nice to everyone’ and spent my time attempting to take a back seat and let others have to boys. Mercifully I was a good dancer and in those days we did a lot of dancing — so boys wanted to dance with me and then went off to their ‘girlfriends’! I, literally, set myself up to be left out. Mercifully, in my recovering process I have been assisted to release the stuffed feelings and let go of the pain and get to freedom. Incidentally, I learned that I wasn’t as ugly as I thought I was !!
I still don’t relish ‘disapproval’! And it has become less of a block to my expression. Finding that “other peoples’ opinions are about them and not about me” makes a big difference. I rarely got any ‘disapproval’ that was justified — because I was so careful to ‘do the right thing’. I may have received some ‘disapproval’ from Mum — even when I attempted to ‘do the right thing’, but I got to see that I didn’t have to take it personally any more.
It is really difficult for some people to ‘get’ another person, when they are very different in many ways. Most of us are learning to clear ourselves of false concepts about ourselves and to be more open minded about others. Not everyone is in that ‘mind-space’ yet, though!
I learned over the years of study, counselling, and training as a Counselor myself many techniques for dealing with the childhood beliefs about ourselves. I’m writing a 6 part course at the moment to start the process of assisting other online. Will write another article soon, outlining my plans and I do hope that what I share with you will assist you to greater and more cheerful FREEDOM !